In Marriage:What Men Want & What Women Need


   When illness strikes,marriages adjust.But researchers are beginning to see that the most crucial adjustments depend on who is the caregiver and who is the patient. Our tradition roles may keep us from getting the help we need most or giving our partners what they really need. These tips can help you overcome this gender gap.
   When a Wife is the Patient
Men: Stop being Mr. Fix-it. When a wife is the patient,a husband may jump to show his love by offering solutions for every symptoms,large or small. Often what a woman really needs is a husband who simply listens attentively to her feelings and shares his own emotional responses to being the caregiver. Miss this,and your wife may feel very isolated or criticized by your take-charge approach. You also raise your own risk of burnout.
Women:Look for extra support. If your spouse is overwhelmed or under-equipped to listen to your feelings as much as you'd like,you may need more supporters. Ask a friend or two to hear what's on your mind and in your heart. And give your husband credit for showing his love by trying his best.


When a Husband is the Patient
Women:Don't suffocate your spouse. Trying to do everything,without telling your partner how you're feeling or what you need,can make an ill husband feel weak,useless, and frustrated with both of you. Talk together about what you do for each other and what your spouse can do for himself. And if your partner frequently snaps,"I can do it myself!" then pay attention. He probably can.
Men:Ask your wife if she's getting enough support. You don't have to provide it,but you can listen with compassion. If your partner seems overwhelmed,now's the time to suggest some practical fixes: Can she ask a friend to take the kids to the movies? Could the family have take-out pizza on Friday nights instead of a home-cooked,full-course dinner? Could fellow Church members or a laundry service take care of the pile of sheets and towels in the wash basket?. These are some basics that should be done.

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